Our Adoption Journey (part2)

 “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

The day we brought Anna home to be a part of our family began the 6 month period that the State of TN requires a child be in your home before you can legally finalize their adoption.  Lisa, the birthmother, had signed her waiver of rights.  That 10 day waiting period passed without any incident.  The next step was to take care of any legal risk on the birthfather’s side.  Lisa had indicated to our agency that Anna could have been fathered by either of 2 different men.  The first was a relative of Lisa’s that had a history of abuse.  He was currently serving a sentence in prison for an unrelated abuse crime.  The second potential father was a man that Lisa claimed she did not know his name.

I have to admit I was really pulling for the unknown father.  Not knowing what kind of information Anna would eventually want to know about her biological parents, I grew nauseated at the thought of having to tell her later in life that her biological father was a mean, sick man who abused her biological mother.  So you can understand the heartache I felt when I learned that the judge in our case was requiring us to take Anna for a DNA test to prove or disproved this potential father.  “Why God?” was my cry.  Couldn’t the judge just terminate his rights and we move forward?  This would end up being one of the several bumps in the road that would delay our 6 month period toward finalizing the adoption.

We all remember where we were when significant events happen in history.  I was standing in front of the middle school when I got the call from the social worker telling me that no, this man was not Anna’s biological father!  I cannot explain the wave of relief that came over me at that moment.  Actually I think it was more of God’s answer to my cry, “Trust me.  I know the plans I have for Anna.”  This man was not ever going to be a part of Anna’s history.

At this point, our adoption agency began the process to terminate the rights of the  “unknown” father.   This time passed without incident and we were given the go ahead to set a court date to finalize our adoption of Anna.  In addition to just being anxious about making the adoption permanent, Mark and I felt like we were being called to adopt a second child.  We knew we could not start the home study process before our current adoption was finalized.

Our court date was set for a Monday.  The Thursday prior to this date I had made plans to take a woman named Patrice to lunch with Anna in tow.  I met Patrice through my volunteer work at The Next Door, a ministry for women coming out of prison.  I was her prayer partner.  I remember sitting in the parking lot of The Next Door for what seemed like forever trying to decide where we should eat.  I looked at Patrice and said I would take her wherever she wanted to go.  It had been quite a while since she had eaten anything but prison food!  Chili’s on West End was her request.

We were seated near the door to the kitchen so there was a lot of traffic going by our table.  It seemed like that day everyone had to stop and comment on Anna.  She was such a cute baby and that was not out of the ordinary.  One waitress stopped, looked at Patrice, and said “Your baby looks just like mine.  What’s her name?”  To which Patrice replied, “She’s not my baby.  She’s hers and her name is Anna.”  The waitress smiled and went on her way. 

Patrice and I were getting ready to leave when another waitress handed me a note with a picture and left.  As I began to read the note and look at the picture that looked a lot like Anna my whole body began to shake.  Patrice, sensing something was wrong, got up and immediately came back with the writer of the note, the waitress that had earlier commented on Anna.  Did I mention that Patrice had just gotten out of prison?!  I thank God that Patrice was with me that day with all her boldness!  

The waitress began explaining her relationship to Lisa.  They were friends.  She recognized Anna from pictures that I had been sending Lisa, as required by our adoption agreement.  Her baby’s father and Anna’s father were first cousins.  My head is literally spinning at this point and I manage to ask how Lisa is doing.  She tells me not well and that this man (Anna’s father) whom she is living with, is not treating her well and she believes it would be in Lisa’s best interest to leave him.  Then it hits me like a ton of bricks.  “Anna’s father?  I thought Lisa didn’t know who Anna’s father was?”   Somehow I manage to get the waitress to write down the father’s name for me and we get up to leave.  I must have looked like I’d seen a ghost because I remember on the way out a manager stopping me to see if everything was okay.

I don’t remember much about my drive back up West End to take Patrice to The Next Door.  I do remember calling Mark and relaying the story as I am driving straight back down West End to his office.  Our adoption attorney is on the same floor/same building as Mark’s office.  We go right in, tell her exactly what just happened and I ask if I can just forget the events of the past two hours.  She tells me if I do and we go ahead with the finalization, there would be a risk I would not want to live with.  She calls the adoption agency and tells them to get this guy to sign a waiver.  We learn a few hours later that he won’t agree to sign.

At this point I feel like my world is caving in.  I’m trying to hold it together in front of the kids but as soon as Mark gets home I go to my closet and start the crying.  My question to God again is “Why?”  I look at Mark and ask him “If I know God’s plan is for Anna to be a part of our family then why is this happening?!”  I’ll never forget Mark’s answer – “We know this is happening for a reason.  This time it may not be about us.”

The attorneys begin the process to terminate the birthfather’s parental rights.  It was during this time we received a call from our attorney telling us that the person serving the summons to the birthfather has learned that Lisa is pregnant again.  She recommends that I call our social worker to let her know.

I learn several weeks later from the social worker that Lisa has moved out and is no longer living with the birthfather.  Lisa was not happy that he did not sign the waiver for Anna.  I knew immediately that this was the reason that was “not about us!”  After my conversation with the waitress it was clear that Lisa was in a relationship that was not healthy.  God used this opportunity to help give her a reason to get out of that relationship and to reconnect with the social worker.

We eventually finalized Anna’s adoption and began the home study process for a second child.  It was several more weeks, maybe months, before we would get the call from the social worker telling us that Lisa would like for us to adopt the baby that she is now carrying.  Wow!  I remember thinking – what perfect plans God has for Anna and our family – a full biological sibling for Anna!

Elizabeth was born Monday, November 20, 2006.   On Wednesday we brought Elizabeth home.  Within a couple of weeks both Lisa and the birthfather signed their waiver of rights.  Six months later we finalized her adoption.

Adoption is a journey that I am so thankful we took.  God used this time to reveal Himself to me like I’ve never experienced before.   Today I find myself asking God “why” less and less and waiting to see all the things  He is working together for the good.

Our Adoption Journey (part 1)

God is so good. That’s not always been easy for me to see or to believe. God is so good because even during those times He is with me working His plan in my life.

Early in our marriage, Mark and I experienced the loss of three children due to miscarriages. Neither one of us had any reason to believe that we would have problems having children. I had a hard time understanding why God would place such maternal instincts and desires in me and yet deny me the opportunity to give birth to children. It was definitely the darkest period of my life. With no clear answers from the doctors and no clear answer from God I was living in a pretty hopeless state.

During this period Mark and I would have conversations about adoption but when it came to actually taking steps towards pursuing it I was scared. Maybe it was from seeing those horror stories on the evening news of children being pulled away from adoptive parents. Maybe it was thinking financially there was no way we could afford it. And maybe it was having to come to terms with the fact that something was wrong with me and I would never be able to experience having a “child of my own.” It was a difficult time and probably the most distant I’ve ever felt from God.

God is so good despite my shortcomings. After the three miscarriages and without any real explanation, Mark and I went on to give birth to three wonderful children. Life was good and I had reconciled with God. I began to see some good that could only be seen by looking back. God had given me empathy for couples who were experiencing miscarriages and a real burden to pray for them. I felt I knew now why God had allowed me to experience such losses.

It was several years later when Mark and I agreed that we wanted more children. Once again, despite the fact that we had been there before, we were devastated when three more pregnancies ended in miscarriages. I will forever remember the day that while I was crying Mark made the statement, “I think God has closed this door for us. Maybe we should consider adoption.” It became so obvious. God had planted the seed so many years before. My fears weren’t the same as they had been. In fact, my big fear was that the wait would be incredibly long and that we would be too old to qualify to adopt.

We decided that night we would pursue a domestic adoption and see where it led us. With my stomach a ball of nerves, the next day I made a call to an agency. It wasn’t very encouraging. At that time they had 65 families waiting to adopt and they only did about 10 placements a year. A few days later I happened to have a conversation with a lady at my church who had adopted a daughter through Bethany Christian Services years earlier. She encouraged me to make “the call” to Bethany.

I actually went online and requested a preliminary application. It arrived in the mail the next day! In a matter of just a few days Mark and I found ourselves sitting in the Bethany office talking with the director about the possibility of us adopting a child. We were amazed to learn that had we applied just six months earlier we would have been denied since we already had children. With the increase in international adoptions a real need existed for families willing to adopt domestically. All I could think of was “Wow! This must be God’s timing.”

We spent the next month filling out paperwork for the home study. Probably the hardest part for me was coming to terms with what “kind” of child we wanted to adopt. Mark was ready to adopt any child even if she was purple! I wasn’t there yet in my heart. It seems silly now but I think it goes back to being scared – scared of what other’s might think, scared about me being able to love a child that looks different from me, and even scared that I might mess up a child by bringing her into a family and community that might look different from her. Mark was very understanding and patient so he agreed that we would adopt a Caucasian girl if possible.

Before we finished the home study process we talked with the children about the possibility of us adopting a baby sister. It is interesting that during the time we were experiencing the last three miscarriages and exploring adoption, of which they knew nothing about, the children had been asking if we could adopt a baby. When we talked with them about it I really believe they thought it was their idea! We discussed with them why babies are placed for adoption and how we felt God was asking our family to adopt a child that needed a family. The children were ecstatic. Even the boys thought another little sister would be a good thing! The children began praying every night for their baby sister, Anna.

Once the home study was completed the wait began. The first few months were not difficult. We knew there would be a wait. After six or seven months I began to wonder if we would ever get “the call.” It was about this time that I began to question whether I was missing God’s perfect plan for our family by limiting what “kind” of child I was willing to adopt. I started earnestly praying to God, asking Him to not let me mess it up! I wanted Him to change my will to match what His will was for our family. Over the course of the next couple of months God did what I asked Him. My initial fears of adopting that “purple” child started to seem silly. Even when I asked my children what they thought of us adopting a baby sister with a different skin color they looked at me like I was crazy. It’s amazing what our “colorblind” children can teach us. It’s also just incredibly amazing how at the same time God was changing my heart He was forming the heart of my daughter.

After talking with Mark I made the call to the director to let her know that we wanted to be considered for any bi-racial baby girl that needed a family. I guess it was then that I half expected our phone to start ringing! I was convinced that we were now on the same page with God and He was going to deliver our baby. Even though I was anxious and never went anywhere without my cell phone, I have to say I have never experienced such a peace waiting for anything. We would get those occasional calls asking us if we would want to be considered for a baby only later to learn we weren’t chosen. That was hard, but I always knew God had a baby for us. I had to be patient and wait – not easy for a habitual worrier like me!

One afternoon after waiting about 15 months, we did get a call asking if we would want to be considered for a baby girl that had been born just three days earlier. There were issues with locating the birth mother and issues with prenatal exposures. I remember telling our social worker that we were not looking for the perfect baby but rather God’s perfect baby for us. Mark and I both agreed that we wanted to be considered for this baby. Much to our surprise just four hours later we were being told that the birth mother had been located and we had been chosen to parent this baby. Even more to our surprise, we were being asked to bring the child home in just 2 days!

That night Mark and I kept this news to ourselves. I think we were in a state of shock. While we had been waiting for 15 months, we had done little to prepare for a new baby in our home. I think it was our way of coping with the wait – no baby stuff lying around to constantly remind us of the wait.

The following day was a blur. I went shopping with a friend to the Baby Superstore and literally bought everything I thought I might need. It had been eight years since my last baby! Later that night we gathered the children to share the news. As I pulled out our family prayer journal we told the kids that the first item on our list, “baby sister Anna,” could be marked off. We had gotten the news we had all been waiting on and we would be bringing Anna home tomorrow. Words cannot describe the excitement or emotions of that night. Luckily for us the video camera did! Immediately, the children wanted to call everyone they knew to share the news. Mark and the kids spent the rest of the night putting the crib together while I did what I could to “nest” in less than 12 hours!

That next morning Mark and I drove to the Bethany office to meet Anna’s birth mother. I think this was more nerve racking for me than experiencing labor three times. What would she think of us? Would she like us? Would she change her mind? Would we say the right things? Would there be lots of tears? I know we had lots of people praying for us because the meeting with the birth mother went so smoothly. Coming from that meeting I knew what a true miracle Anna was. I also knew what a beautiful woman Anna’s birth mother was and how she must have been robbed of hope and joy in her life. That day I began feeling a burden to pray for her and it has not left me. In some ways I feel I adopted a sister in Christ that day and she will be forever on my heart.

A few hours later we returned to the Bethany office to meet Anna. As we walked into the room where Anna’s interim care mother was holding her, Anna was placed in my arms immediately – even before I could lay my eyes on her. I truly believe that the emotions I felt at that moment were identical to those I felt when the doctor placed my other three children in my arms after giving birth to them. It was immediate love at first sight. As Mark and I dressed Anna in her going home outfit I could not believe that this precious baby was ours.

Our adoption journey has been an incredible spiritual journey as well. As I look back over the past 15 years I see how God had His hand in every aspect of bringing Anna into our family. God has used this journey to strengthen not only our faith but the faith of our children. He has expanded our capacity to love immeasurably. He has affirmed our calling to be parents. He has made us a stronger family. He has given us opportunities to trust Him. And finally, He has given us His perfect baby. God is so good.